So… I hear Christmas is coming up (how did that happen?), which generally means I have to crawl out of my nest of blankets, pillows and internet to socialize with my beloved family.
Obviously about 90% of the human population has to endure this as well – you know, the dreaded “family gathering” where we can all “share festive cheer” and “bond” – and with that comes the awkward conversation with people you’ve been avoiding all year, where they try to make it seem like they’ve been genuinely interested in your life this whole time.
I don’t know if adults have a rulebook or something that states they have to ask the same question every single year, but the amount of time’s I’ve heard, “So what are you going to do in the future?” or other variations of the same question (“What do you want to be when you grow up?” ”What are you going to study at Uni?” etc. etc.) has actually given me severe anger and anxiety problems, and maybe even a tiny bit of brain damage.
And let’s be honest here, on Christmas, the last thing you feel like doing is talking to a long lost uncle or aunt about “the importance of your future,” right?
So, in the spirit of Christmas, I thought I’d share a few… festive answers to the dreaded question, that are sure to make Christmas a heck of a lot more entertaining. For you, at least.
Q: So what are your plans for the future?
A1: Marry rich. (It’s a classic. Never fails to bring on a lecture from Dad or a sputtering from an uncle. But don’t forget to add exactly WHO you will marry – rock stars always earn at least a spit-take – as well as details of your wedding and how many kids you’ll have.)
A2: Become a stripper/prostitute/belly dancer/sex-ed teacher because I’ve already had a lot of experience at a young age.
A3: I’m planning on becoming a unicorn.
A4: Oh, as of tomorrow at 7:02p.m. I don’t have a future.
A5: I’m joining the Night Circus.
A6: What dead body? Who said anything about a dead body?
A7: I’m auditioning for Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Jersey Shore, and various other reality TV shows where I’ll make more money than you’ll ever have in 10 of your lifetimes combined.
A8: Well, my letter from Hogwarts hasn’t arrived yet, so I think I’ll just continue to wait until it does. I mean it must’ve gotten lost in the mail, right? RIGHT?
A9: I’m generally just going to avoid doing whatever you did to land you a wife and five dysfunctional children. Hey, is that one of them drowning over there? *point and run away*
A10: Well I’m going to finish school then go and enroll in any university that’s crazy enough to accept me, finish a minimal degree that’ll land me a mediocre job in some firm in this very town, marry a man/woman who only wants me for money and will divorce me when he/she realizes I don’t have it, probably get stuck with whatever children we manage to have, become an alcoholic, become obese from fast-food abuse, and then die at the age of 55 from heart failure. Then I’ll come back as a vampire/ghost and haunt you for the rest of your measly life. Oh wow, is that turkey?
A11: End this conversation. Oh hey, [insert name of another family member here]! *walk away*
A12: My imaginary friend and I are going to enroll in that university in the clouds so that we can become gods and take over the earth. So you’d better be nice to me.
And remember to always keep a straight face while answering. Otherwise they might think that you’re joking.
WARNING: If any family members experience pressure, tightness or pain in their chest or arms that spreads to the neck, jaw or back; a feeling of fullness, nausea, indigestion, heartburn or abdominal pain; sweating or a cold sweat; shortness of breath; feelings of anxiety or an impending sense of doom; lightheadedness or dizziness, it means that they are experiencing “ohmygoshmyson/daughter/niece/nephew/grandchildisgoingtobecomeafailureandhavetoliveoffofmefortherestoftheirlivesthisissoterribleI’dratherdie,” also more commonly known as a heart attack. Please escort them to a hospital a.s.a.p. for medical assistance, or – if you are trained in first aid – administer CPR.