Can I get an Amen?

I was thinking the other day about what I should do a blog on, seeing as I’ve been pretty much M.I.A. for the past few weeks (I’m sorry for the lack of blogs and reviews… The only excuse I have is school, which is a lousy one anyway) and I realised that I don’t share much about my personal life on here. Which could be considered a good thing what with those internet rapists and cyber-traffickers my parents are always lecturing me about.

But to those of you out there who are thinking of potentially kidnapping me – for whatever reason I cannot fathom: I would complain about the lack of literature in my cell until you felt the need to “release me into my natural habitat” (the library, of course) out of boredom and utter annoyance – I’m so sorry, but I will NOT be sharing any of my personal details, such as where I live, on the internet. You can thank me later.

So anyway, I thought I’d do a long-ish blog to make up for the lack of them in the past couple of weeks (I’m sorry – again) about… Wait for it…

Being a pastor’s daughter.

Yes, you did read that right. To those of you who were blissfully unaware of the fact, I am the daughter of a pastor/minister/priest/whatever you want to call it (but apparently the politically correct term in my father’s case is pastor… I only just found that out a while ago but anyway…)

When people (usually my age) find out that I’m a pastor’s daughter, they usually ask, “Wow… That’s so cool! So you, like, go to church every week and, like, read your Bible every day and stuff?”

To which I respond with, “Well, have you ever seen Footloose?”

To answer a couple of FAQs:

• Yes, I do go to church every week (most of the time).

• Yes, I do read the Bible.

• No, I was not serious about the Footloose comment.

• Yes, I do listen to gospel music – but not hymns from the 1800s. Yes, there are modern “gospel groups” (we call them “bands” – you know, like One Direction? Except… Christian.)

• Yes, I am allowed to listen to rock bands. Are YOU allowed to listen to rock bands?

And my absolute favourite question to answer:

Q: “Oh my god that’s so weird that you’re… like… you know… Oh my god… Oh my god, does me saying, ‘oh my god’ offend you? Oh my god I’m so sorry… Oh my god I did it again! Oh god…”

A: “Yes, peasant. I am severely offended by the use of colloquial garbage that tips from your mouth, and I wish no longer for my ears to be soiled with this blasphemy. Be gone, and may our Father God in Heaven forgive you for your treacherous sins.” *makes the sign of the cross and backs away*

And this is why people think I’m weird. Anyway…

Being a pastor’s daughter is actually much more fun than you’d think it would be. It’s my favourite excuse. Ever. “Why didn’t you do your homework?” “Well my dad – you know he’s a priest – had to do this impromptu service in Guatemala yesterday…” “Oh… I see…” but they really don’t see because most of my teachers have NO idea what goes on inside a normal church, or that my dad’s actually a pastor, not like, the Pope. And then also sometimes I shout to my friends, “Can I get an AMEN?” and they just laugh and shout, “AMEN!” and then everyone watching us laughs because they think we’re just being funny, but actually we’re genuinely saying Amen, because… Amen.

Oh the delicious irony… I also wear those super-“in” cross-print shirts, and people think I’m just following the trend, but if only they knew…

And one of these days I’ll start a Christian group at my school and freak people out by being like Amanda Bynes in Easy A:

Well… Not the mean part where she tries to expel everyone. Just the part where she and her “Christian Team” have, like, worship in random places and a secret handshake thingy and walk around telling people that they’ll pray for them.

Disadvantages… There aren’t many, really. Just the usual having to get up at 6:45 on a Sunday morning to get to church an hour before everyone else does to set up (or read in the car while my parents set up as a sign of utter rebellion… why am I so badass…). Or having to play at least one instrument in the Christmas and Easter services to show that my father has raised me to be “an independent young woman who is musically gifted and intelligent”. Or – and this was my favourite moment of this year – getting your name announced in the service when you get a kidney stone, and then having your father completely exaggerate certain situations that took place in hospital, and just having to sit there quietly and death-stare him from your seat in the congregation while he totally embarrasses you. Not cool, Dad.

But that’s basically it. For now. You can probably expect a lot more stories related to this blog now that I’ve come clean about my… pastor’s-daughter-ness. I hope you enjoyed reading it! Feel free to leave your comments below! I know it’s a really complicated system to publish comments, but I’m trying to fix it…

Amen.