Shoutout to all my fellow anti-social
teenage ninjas. Never again will you have to face the scary outside world
unarmed – I’ve finally come up with the solutions to all your social struggles.
(Pfft, from research… totally not from my own experiences.)
Yes, this is yet another blog about why
books are awesome.
And yes, to all the other sociable people reading this blog, this
is a ruse to get you to take up reading. Please. For the sake of all the readers
who have to listen to you use the same fifteen words over and over again (just
a suggestion – there are about 900 better words to use than “cool” and “jol”,
all of which can be discovered through the magical world of *insert rainbows* literature).
Note: The obvious solution to all of these problems is just to stay at home and read... but my therapist tells me that staying at home for my entire life and avoiding socialisation at all costs will result in me never getting a "proper job" to pay for my expensive reading habits.
Social Struggle #1: The “how-much-longer-do-I-have-to-sit-here-and-look-like-a-total-loner-before-she-shows-up”
Restaurant Endeavor
We’ve all been there. You agreed to meet
your friend at Tasha’s at 19:30. She’s fifteen minutes late, and you have to
sit at a table alone with nothing to do because you’re all out of data on your
cellphone, so you can’t scroll aimlessly through social media and pretend you
have a life. People are casting suspicious glances your way, perhaps wondering
if you’re some sort of terrorist waiting for the perfect moment to blow
yourself up, or even a homicidal maniac, eating dinner as a recluse whilst you
carefully select your next victim. The waiter thinks you’ve been stood up – what a loser. You can practically feel
the cold judgment pricking at your skin.
Ideal outcome: You don’t look like a total
hermit staring at the wallpaper or scrolling though your camera roll until she
arrives.
Solution: Download the Kindle app on your
phone before you go out, and then buy an e-book. This way, when you’re sitting
all alone at the table, you can pretend
to be doing something socially acceptable like scrolling through Twitter, but
you’re actually reading a damn good
book without facing judgment for being “antisocial”.
Social Struggle #2: The
“why-do-I-always-forget-to-bring-a-rape-whistle-to-these-things” Party Expedition
Your friends have dragged you out to some
ridiculous social gathering and some weirdo has approached you to “chat”. Let’s
be honest, after about three hours at somebody’s house party, the only people
actually having fun are those who are either passed out or hopelessly
intoxicated. It’s cold outside, but inside smells like sweat and weed and
booze, and your legs are aching because there’s not a single place to sit that
hasn’t been baptized in vodka. The last thing you want to do is engage in a
conversation with somebody who starts off on the predictable, red-alert note
of: “Aw, you don’t look like you’re having too much fun, babe.” Forced, polite
conversation only makes it worse.
Ideal outcome: 1. He leaves. 2. You get to
go home without offending anybody.
Solution: Start quoting some random, verbose, intellectual novel in short bursts of prose. (Try go for the least clichéd quotes, and avoid declarations of love at all costs.
Societal commentaries are a safe bet – they use big, confusing words.) Giggle
at random intervals, but otherwise keep a deadpan tone and a straight face. If
he still hasn’t left when you run out of quotes, stumble away quickly, as if you’re
just as drunk as the girl hanging over the speaker. Call a cab. Leave.
 |
Ulysses is full of confusing, intellectual... stuff. Perfect for all
your anti-social escape-route needs. |
(This method is so much more fun than just
yelling, “OH MY GOD, LEAVE.” And so much more humane.)
Social Struggle #3: The
“if-one-more-person-tells-me-how-much-I’ve-grown-I’m-going-to-start-throwing-things”
Family Reunion
Family reunions are unbearable, especially because
everybody there feels as though they have the right to comment on your
lifestyle choices because of a combination of excess “family spirit” and too
much red wine. For example, almost every time we have extended-family
gatherings, somebody feels that it’s necessary to somehow comment on how my
choice of university for next year has what they refer to as a “bad rep”:
“Better make sure your liver’s ready, love! Ha-ha!” or, “Oh… that’s nice…
Aren’t your parents worried you’ll turn into a hippie?” or even, “You know what
pot is? Just don’t smoke anything anyone gives you. I heard there’s a drug gang
in that area.” Um. Thanks. So, just because I’m going to university
automatically makes me a drug addict, a hippie and an alcoholic. Glad to know my family's so well-educated on stereotyping and generalisations.
Ideal outcomes: 1. Shut everybody up for just a few minutes. 2. Give them
something to talk about at the next reunion – to which you will not be invited
if it all goes according to plan.
Solution: There’s always at least one other
person in the family who’s vaguely similar to you – that is, they also wish
they were in bed with a book, and it shows. I have three: father, sister, and
uncle. If you don’t have a significant other to talk to, just talk to yourself.
This solution involves roleplaying, which under any other circumstances I am
completely and utterly opposed to, so don’t @ me about it. Prepare a scene
beforehand in which you and your partner-in-crime pretend to be two characters
from a book you’ve both read. (Preferably something extremely weird and
wonderful, like The Hobbit or even Twilight – we’re going for a
shock-and-awe kind of response.) Include actual dialogue, but feel free to be
creative. Recite your lines loudly and dramatically, responding aggressively
when your mom tries to laugh it off and tells you to “stop playing around”.
Hopefully, you’ll eventually be escorted off the property by an extremely
annoyed (but secretly relieved) parent.
Alternatively, buy a bunch of clichéd T-shirts and wear them out in public. This way, you can simultaneously warn people against talking to you, and apologise for your anti-social-ness without even having to open your mouth!
This blog went places I never expected it
to go. Nonetheless, I hope you have been thoroughly entertained.
