Thursday, 3 July 2014

How Not To Be Known As "That Moron" (Or Other Less Family-Friendly Derivatives) On A Plane

Yeah let's just pretend I didn't forget to blog about my excursions across the world again…

Basically (as some of you may know) for the past ten days I have not been stuck in sunny South Africa, but rather on my second World Adventure of the year, this time at the Global Young Leaders Conference in Washington D.C. and New York City. (I'll post more of Amy's Adventurous Adventures soon, as well as finish my series of blogs on my April Tour... Wow I really am spoiled rotten. I have too many tours to blog about #CommonWhiteGirlProblems).

Anyway, as I type this I am sat on a cramped plane on my way back to the land of accents I can actually recognize, and due to the fact I had to wake up at about 5:30 this morning to come to the airport, I have realized the many aspects of flying that I despise with every fibre of my being. Unfortunately, all (with the exception of the fact that my TV never works) are due to the extreme annoying-ness of other passengers. So I have decided to compile a list of things I believe NO passenger should EVER do on a plane. In other words, the top ten things you should not do if you don't want other passengers (such as myself) to daydream about stabbing you to death with a pen.

#1. Don't invade another person's personal space

This may seem like the most obvious thing ever - even in everyday life - to all the considerate people out there, but surprisingly on planes people seem to lose the ability to tell that the people sitting next to, behind, or in front of them do not actually want to be able to feel another person's sticky plane skin slowly caressing their arm like the clammy fingers of a two-year-old. Look, I completely understand that there's absolutely NO space whatsoever on a plane, but every person can at least try and be a little considerate and keep in their own chair. The way I see it, the arm rests and seat backs are there for a reason. Don't drape your arms over into another passenger's space, and DO NOT EVER do what this idiot keeps doing to me as I type this.

Okay so this picture doesn't show the full extent of it,
but at one point his hands COMPLETELY COVERED
the screen.

I can't tell you how many times I have looked over to my friends on my right and pretended to shove my ballpoint pen through his hands. I don't think it occurred to him that as the self-absorbed, obnoxious, arrogant teenager that I am, I would actually like to maybe see some of the TV screen in front of me so that I can further corrupt my revolting mind and overthrow his generation. For crying out loud. Is it that difficult to keep your arms and legs inside your allocated seat?

#2. If you are sick, abide by the laws of general courtesy as you would in the "real world"

Firstly, if you are sick with cholera or swine flu (as I suspect the man I was sitting next to on the way to D.C. was) you should not be flying anyway. But if for some odd reason you are flying, please understand that an aircraft is an enclosed environment. We all breathe the same air for 18 hours or however long the flight is, and it's generally revolting without people coughing and sneezing into it. And if you cannot refrain from contaminating the air any further, COVER YOUR FREAKING NOSE AND MOUTH WITH YOUR HAND. Honestly, my seat-mate or whatever that I previously mentioned just coughed into my face until I physically had to move for fear of catching The Plague, or worse, Inconsiderate Idiot Syndrome.

#3. Please mute your children

This is a controversial one. I completely understand the reasons behind traveling with a baby, I really do. Perhaps a sick relative passed away and you didn't have time to call a baby sitter, or you could not possibly stand the idea of leaving your precious angel in the hands of another human being so you dragged him/her along with you to parade around Disney World where he/she will be scared out of his/her mind by those people dressed up as animals. Whatever. But as a parent, you need to take responsibility for your baby's health, alright? And as somebody who's heard far too many screaming children on planes, I think I can safely say that the majority of children from the ages of one week to four years old do NOT like flying. And I believe that it is cruel towards both the child and the other passengers on board to put your baby through an eighteen hour plane flight. So please just take this into consideration if you are considering flying halfway across the world with your baby. It may not be worth the hassle, and maybe you should wait a few more years before taking that family vacation. Hey, maybe then your kids will actually remember the details for longer than a few months, right?

#4. "Sit tight and enjoy the ride"

Honestly, the prospect of sitting in the same position doesn't appeal to me, and I'm sure it doesn't to many other people either. But I'm not saying you should sit completely still in one position for hours at a time - just don't do the annoying kangaroo-bunny thing where you jiggle around in your seat and disrupt EVERYBODY ELSE AROUND YOU. Because I swear to you right now, I will use my super limbs and kick you right back. Believe you me, you will not ever want to mess with a sleep-deprived teenager on a plane. They are dangerous beings, and will probably resort to gnawing on you, especially if they weren't able to smuggle food or some sort of wifi onto the plane.

#5. Be quiet / Pipe down / Shut the holy happy meal up

If you hear any of the following phrases being hissed at you, especially the last one, I strongly advise you to shut your large Texan mouth and hold your tongue between your teeth until you exit the plane. Although this may also seem very obvious, evidently some people are utterly oblivious to the volume of their own voices. I don't think there's anything worse than being startled awake by somebody chortling loudly from the other side of the plane. And you know how I feel about happiness, so please try and keep your voice below the shrill, manic hysteria of Maleficent's love child.

I hope you abide by these five simple rules when flying, and I would just like you to know that I give anyone reading this full permission to cause minor physical abuse to any passenger who falls under any of the following sins. Seriously, sometimes people just need a little "motivation" to be considerate if others, and if punching them does the trick, so be it. (Kidding, kidding... But a little verbal abuse doesn't hurt.) 

Feel free to share your own traveling nightmares in the comments below so we can be empathetic towards each other and form a sort of Anti-Idiot campaign. They must be stopped. 

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